The following article was written by Jasmine Jackson but was first featured in Examiner.com.
Relationships are the essence of people; they create memories that last forever whether positive or negative. These memories can be great and full of happy moments or they can be toxic and full of regret or fear. Whether positive or negative, there are always people with extensive expertise that are willing to serve as the complete truth you cannot see. New York Times bestselling Erotica Author Zane offers men and women the opportunity to open up with their issues and helps resolve the issues. Zane is honest, upfront, and ready to help anyone who seeks the truth with themselves and their relationship. In this interview, Zane opens up about giving relationship advice, helping others, the state of African American relationships, and her event in Atlanta September 16 with V-103.
JJ: Zane as a well-known erotic author, do you receive a lot of questions from fans about relationship advice?
Z: Oh yes, that’s actually how I started. I started doing relationship advice in 1997 I actually did not put a book out until 2000 so my history is really embedded in doing the relationship advice. And over the years, I have been the relationship columnist for Ebony and done a lot of other things for other magazines as well.
JJ: So what would you say are the most common questions you get from people?
Z: Well, I think that more so than questions I think its people just being very hurt and conceited and not knowing what to do. It’s normally a woman who is torn between two men and neither one of them are good candidates for their love. A lot of women don’t understand that sometimes you have to be alone for a while until you find the right man, until the right man finds you. A lot of women tend to not leave a toxic relationship until they have another toxic relationship to jump into and that’s not a good thing.
JJ: Do men ask for relationship advice? If so, are there specific questions they ask?
Z: Yes, a lot of men do ask me for relationship advice as well. Most of them are trying to figure out women, I get a lot of that or men who want to the right thing in their marriages, but are frustrated because they are almost at the point where they think they might step out on their wives or girlfriends and they don’t want to do that. I get emails from men that are real cocky, but most emails are from men trying to figure out their wives just like women trying to figure their men. There are men that are monogamous despite what people think there are men who love their women and want to make them happy.
JJ: Because you are an erotic writer, do you receive messages and questions about to how to keep and please a mate?
Z: Yeah, I get my share of those, but honestly I will say about 15 percent of my emails not even 15 maybe 10 percent of my emails are regarding sex.
JJ: That’s interesting to know that fans aren’t only interested in your erotic knowledge and background.
Z: Yeah, the rest of my emails are about relationships and life itself; people are asking me about their careers I would say 30 percent of my emails are from women who were molested by family members when they were younger and they are really struggling just trying to get through life and to get over stuff and trying not to have trust issues. But yeah, as far as sex advice, I only get 10 percent of those emails.
JJ: I write about African American relationships and I feel that my generation is not setting the correct example because we don’t work things out and we are quick to run to break ups and divorce when things don’t go our way. Where do you see the state of African-American relationships going?
Z: I wrote something the other day that sums up what you just asked it’s called “The Seconds”. My fear is for the future generations of women who will be taught by or bear witness to their mothers and grandmothers acceptance of infidelity, abuse, and blatant disrespect. Unless we make major changes love will be a thing of the past and lust will completely take over. To me, lust is the benefit of self at the expense of others while love is the benefit of others at the expense of self. There is a tremendous difference between the two. Now some might wonder why an erotic writer donned by many as the Queen of Erotica would make such a statement regarding lust. My books are meant to spark the imagination and to liberate women all aspects of their life including their sexuality. However, they are not meant to promote promiscuity and I have said that from day one on the first page of my first book The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth. To me, good erotica has very little to do with the sex it has to do with the overall the experience of understanding why people are who they are, why they connect with one another, and brings the readers into the fold so by the end of the book there is a familiarity, compassion and a greater understanding of self. So to answer your question, I totally agree that today’s generation is on the wrong path and the future generation will have it worst because of the examples of today.
J: It’s funny you say that because I say that I don’t male bash I people bash. I say this because women say there are no good men and place most the blame on a man, but I say ma’am you have to step back and took a look at self. You allowed this man to do the things that he has done and if you allow something than it will continue to happen. It’s a two-way street. But time is running out I have one more question, do you consider yourself a life coach?
Z: Definitely. Not officially, but I am definitely a life coach.
Zane will be in Atlanta’s for “Literary Sip and Sign” on September 16 at the at the World Congress Center. Fans can come out for Q&A and really get to know who this amazing woman is and how she can help change your life.
“I have a zero tolerance just like my character on my show I have no tolerance for any kind of ridiculousness because I realize how short life is and I would rather live in peace than in chaos and I refuse to live in chaos…the problem is that most people have a laundry list of what they want in a relationship, but very rarely do they know what they actually need in a relationship. Too many people put emphasis on sex not realizing anyone can have sex.”
This interview has been shortened, but I loved every minute of meeting this brilliant woman.