Here’s another story I have about a past love… Well, it wasn’t real love or consensual love I’ll explain it later.
About 2004, I was just a freshmen at Stephenson High School and I had the B I G G E S T crush on our schools soccer player. The issue wasn’t that he didn’t think I was cute– No, I have always been cute. The problem was I was 14 turning 15 and he was 18. Too young to have anything to do with a girl who couldn’t go to prom and a girl who knew she wasn’t giving it up to anyone. Unlike most freshmen I was a PRUDE and I was PROUD, but the crazy thing about all this story is he didn’t know he was even liked as much as he was. We were just classmates. Kind of like the girls on the movies where when the guy they loved (infatuation) walks through the hall the 80’s love songs come on and they walk in slow motion… Yeah… just like that.
I watched him go to prom with his girlfriend and honestly… forgot about him because then I started liking another senior (V. Rodriguez) but then everyone graduated and it was out of sight, out of mind. Then one day when I was finally a junior I saw the soccer player walking through the mall– Still tall, still fine, and the butterflies came back. We spoke and we left it at that… he was back in Mississippi being the same country boy from Ms. Bass class. Again, he didn’t know these feelings. But he as always my friend still out of sight, out of mind.
It was sometime in 2009 when I fell in love with my first love. It was 2011/2012 when he completely ripped my heart out of my chest. So here I am doing me, studying, being a geek and everything else college students do when out of nowhere my good friend asked me did I know this guy who went to Stephenson and guess who it was y’all? The gosh durn soccer player; still tall, still fine, but this time wanted this grown woman. We met up, smoked, drank, and caught up. I told him that he had been this crush for me that I couldn’t get over. It was like I was in love with this man– not in the sense of being his girlfriend but it’s like when you want something soooooo bad and you get it… it’s GOOOOOOD.
Nights passed and it was really good. But I expected too much from him and that is not his fault. I had played him up in my mind to be this cool ass, finnnneeee ass, sweet, cuddling guy that would really FINALLY be my man… Boy, was I wrong? Don’t get me wrong, he was a sweetie, cool, fine but he didn’t like to do the things I was used to my first love did. He didn’t want to lie in bed with me just cuddling after sex or anything and It blew me. He was a pretty good asshole and so I became a very good bitch, but we were still friends.
My first love had still been a sore spot in my heart. Til this day, I still love his ass, but he’s not for me. Yet I couldn’t be mad at the soccer player because it wasn’t HIS fault that he was on this perfect pedestal. Still, I can’t settle then and I can’t now.
It’s funny because the entire time we were together, we weren’t together. He could never completely be my man because he didn’t have it all together (his words). He didn’t have his own place or his own care and blase blase. The problem with men is that they want shit to go their way and it doesn’t agree with what women want. Women want their men for the happiness they feel not material things (if she’s a REAL woman).
What ended up happening y’all is… he moved out of the house while nobody was home and I never saw him again… But we were still friends on social media and we started talking as associates again. He now has a girl and a child. He has a place and a girl. It’s just funny how the people you want things with can’t ever get their shit together until after you. But I can’t blame him because again I HELD HIM ON AN UNREALISTIC PEDESTAL from the year of 2004. You know he asked me to have his child before and we laughed and said our baby would be so cute now look how God handles things… gives him a child with someone else. And I’m glad that that’s how it turned out because it wasn’t meant for me.
He asked me to write this for his benefit. So he could see how I felt now… I feel in this moment that he was wrong in a lot of shit and so was I. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be and that’s just life. Hard feelings? a few. Hate him? Never. He’s still tall, still fine, and ultimately still not mine. He’s still my star soccer player, Mississippi boy, and biggest disappointment. God bless you though and congrats on your baby girl.
Lesson: BE REALISTIC WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR PEDESTAL PUSHING. THESE PPL YOU CRUSH FOR ARE H U M A N S… Don’t rush anyone to be someone that is perfect for you because they are their own individuals. It’s useless
“Peace, Love, & Poetry…1”