She is no different than you and I.
She lays lulls over all the decisions she has made trying to figure out exactly where she sent wrong. All she ever really wanted was to be loved and cared for. When she was younger she sought the love through sex and attention, but it didn’t satisfy her. She wanted the real deal. She wanted someone to love her for real and not just for her body.
She thinks about the father that she never met and the mother that loved the men more than her. They used to be very close but Mama found a husband and started a family. Suddenly, the desire that Mama once had for her was replaced with irritation, silence and eventually distance. She began to feel the pain of being an outsider inside her own family. It hurt much, but she couldn’t articulate what she was feeling. She began to look on the outside for what she was missing. It led her to a punk that only hurt her in the physical act of giving her young body what was fit for woman. She never told a soul, he said that was how it had to be.
But now it’s twenty years, two marriages, three states, five jobs and three babies later. All she knows is that her heart still desires comfort and true vulnerability. She never received it and the moments she thought she was close to it, we’re over before she could revile it. She is so tired of being hurt. She became the perpetrator of the pain. The ones who stuck around she holds no respect for. She’s the first to fight, has all the gossip and despises the thought of anything happy. All because she wanted to be loved and time after time, her heart was broken.
We all know her, she is many of us. Pain isn’t the only option. Life doesn’t have to be what you’ve always known. It is a choice and it’s up to you. Help is available, but it won’t be easy…but what is?
Janay is a blogger and speaker, who lives in the Atlanta area. Please feel free to visit her personal blog at Msjanay.com